I never used alarm for years, because I felt terrible every time I woke up. So I let the nature wake me up. Wake up is easier than fall asleep, even though I was sleepy, I always want to read another page of a book or watch another video on YouTube, because I felt that I had a good time while doing that, I always want to wake up earlier but I hate to sleep early, but I know that I need to.

I am reaching a point of numbness in my life, every morning that I woke, I did not feel like I survive another day, I was just continuing the previous day, I did not start anew, and this make me feel miserable, because I feel stuck. It feels like when you drive in a highway with the same view for miles, you know you are moving but somehow you feel that you are not going anywhere.

I am not in a mood to meditate, and not into this spiritual anymore, but I know I should keep journaling.

Lately I’ve been thinking about death.

I watch videos about cremation, autopsy, decomposed human body, etc, which were scared me because I never have a nerve to witness such a cruel process. In a last novel that I read, I also found this topic where the character that should be dead because of cancer were finally alive, but the one who was in her best health dead in a car accident.

Make me think, what if I never reach the age that I am expected? What if I die in young age, never get married, had children, get a million dollar, and reach my dreams because of young-age-death?

What is really matter?

I am thinking about someone, I want to tell a guy how much I love him, this is the most important thing to me if I should die soon. Everything else does not matter.