Am I Still a Loser? (dealing with my own trauma)

That Sunday afternoon the wind blew softly caressed my body as I came to a jogging track, one of my favorite place in the inner city. The weather was nice, it doesn’t rain, the clouds protected me from the sun rays like a giant umbrella, such a perfect day for jogging.

I stretched my legs and arms, it wasn’t really crowded because a lot of people prefer to jog in the morning. After warmed up my body, I began to jog slowly, and accelerated my pace along the way. I was thinking about something, and then suddenly my heart pounded faster even before I finished a single lap, my muscles got tired, I was disoriented and anxious. An inexplicable worries came through my mind, a series of past events relived like an old movie.

I can’t explain the pain, it was a sadness, an anxiety, an embarrassment, a painful nostalgia…

At that moment I realized something; my past trauma was triggered, I didn’t even know that I have such a thing named trauma.

The Trigger

I went to the jogging track for a reason, the place was actually a public facility where there was a running track too, I intended to practice my running and my physical endurance.

I planned to apply to an institution that required a physical test such as running, pull ups, push ups, sit ups, etc. I never expected this kind of test, I thought that there would be only an intelligent exam or something like that.

It’s hard to admit, that I actually had always been a loser when it came to sports or athletic when I was in school.

Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, I excel at science, language, music and another subject, and sports was my weakness. I never knew why, I was clumsy, slower and weaker than my peers, I was humiliated by my classmates and even my sports teacher said mean words toward me in front of everyone, they laughed at me, I thought that I was such a loser.

The Trauma

In Elementary School, my peers humiliated me, laughed at me and made fun of me in every sports class, that made me hate the subject so much. It didn’t motivate me to be better, but the opposite happened.

In Middle School my classmates’ humiliation became less and less, maybe because they respected me because I was a smart student, but my teacher was unbearable, he teased me and another weak students, yelled at me with swearing words, emphasizing my inability and my weakness. I always hate Sports class, It was always embarrassing for me, I rather threw myself into a deep hole and disappear rather than spend another minute of irritating Sports’ teacher. I pray and cried at night before every sports class, asked God to gave me mercy so my friends didn’t humiliate me, and to gave me strength to go through it all.

In High School, I continued to became a smart student, even better, I engaged in a music club and Student’s politics, that resulted in a greater respect from my peers and teachers, I didn’t get bullied even though I couldn’t change the fact that I was still weak and, well, disappointing, people were nicer to me, but I couldn’t change the fact that I still dumb at Sports, I was slow, disengaged and uninterested, I didn’t like the subject even though I no longer hated it.

Last week I went to a gym,

It was Saturday, so there’s not a lot of people coming, only five or six people there. I made an appointment with a personal trainer, I told him that I wanted to learn how to do pull ups, I only have a month, he said that I need at least three months of training before I can do a proper pull ups. The first day was tough, but I enjoyed it, the trainer was nice, he seemed experienced. The next two days I couldn’t move my arms, they were stiff, painful and uncomfortable, but I think to myself that it’s a good pain. Pull ups were so much harder than I expected.

Several days later I came back to the gym in a week day after work, it was so crowded, and one personal trainer had to handle five or six members at a time with a different work out method. so the progress were slow, and crowded place was rather uncomfortable, especially when people were sweating and compete for oxygen.

I was struggling, my trainer had been so patient to me and encouraged me, but I heard a woman said something, she frowned at me, watched me in confusion because I was weaker than her, and said “why?”

That triggered me, I felt discouraged, I couldn’t continue the session because my head was full of unpleasant triggered memories. I told my trainer that I couldn’t stay too long that night, we ended the session and then he talked to me, asked me if I exercised at home, I said no, I told him that my arms were stiff and couldn’t be moved for two or three days, he asked me why, I thought he knew that it’s normal for someone who never exercised before would get their muscles ached for the following days.

He smiled wryly, shook his head, and said that I had no potential, I smiled because I wasn’t surprised….

I knew that I would never come back to that gym anymore, I’m on my own.

Back in the running field when I had to deal with my painful memories that kept coming back no matter how hard I tried to distract my thought.

Dealing with a painful trauma is easier said than done.

At first I never knew that I had a trauma until I experienced it firsthand. It was a horrible psychological torture, it also affected my performance at work, I lose my focus, I lost my motivation, I was so anxious that even a small sound made me nervous, a ring of an incoming call was the worst of all, a small task feels like a torment, I hated my office for no reason, I wanted to hide and cry.

I can’t afford to distance myself with the world and focus on my mental health, I had a work to do, I have deadlines and people who need me, I have a physical test in less than a month that I want to pass. Focus solely on my mental health would be a selfish act, even though it’s important, I can’t. I wish I could.

I can’t sleep because I’m worrying if I can’t pass the test and if everyone looked at me as a loser and laughed at me, I don’t want to be humiliated anymore, I don’t want to be a loser anymore, I want to be strong, but at the same time I knew my limitation, I could never be a superman overnight.

I wish I will find a way to deal with this.