Day: April 10, 2019

Posted in Love, Signs from the Universe

A Heartbreaking Message From the Universe

Posted on by Donny Finnick

My Repressed Emotions

I plan to meet a friend at his birthday next month, and I plan to tell him my feeling towards him, that I repressed deeply inside me. I am afraid to be judged by him because of this.

I am a bisexual, nobody knows, just me and two best friends. I live in a homophobic society. I never fell deeply in love like this before, I have been in many relationships with women, never with men because he is the only guy in my heart, I never fell for another guy other than him.

In 2016, I was hanging out with him, we watched movie, had a dinner in a fast food restaurant, to me it was like a date, but I do not know what it was for him. But his eyes told me that somehow, he feel the same thing towards me, but it was not a good news, maybe he did not want to be with me even if he fell for me.

Years had passed, I did not talk to him anymore, I just sent him a happy birthday message last year, it’s broken my heart, and I never knew that this repressed feeling is not good for my psyche.

For more than a year, I often dreaming about large body of water, be it an ocean, a pond, a lake, a lagoon, or even a mud field, flooding city, etc. When I asked some friend, they told me that Water symbolize emotions.

I get that.
but the dreams keep recurring, and it bothered me a lot because I believe in the signs of the universe.

Yesterday I commented in a blog, asking a question about the water and my recurring dreams. They said that it is related to emotion, repressed emotions!

After that, I thought about him, and everything is getting clearer. This so called repressed emotion has affected me in so many ways, I feel stuck in my spiritual and emotional development, “I think there is something wrong with me but I don’t know what.”

Therefore, I made an Intention. At his birthday, I want to ask him out and be honest about my feeling, and tell him the truth, with zero expectation about how he will react. I want to be free, I do not want to be a slave to my own emotion.

When I write this on my smartphone with a tranquil mind, a song lyrics played on my computer screen.

“but it’s time to face the truth
that I’ll never be with you”

I think it is another sign from the universe, yes, sometimes the universe are telling me signs that I do not want to see or hear, and most of the time, in the past, I always ignore them and expect the universe to always send signs that please me.

But not today, I am grateful and thank the universe to tell me this, even though it is a heartbreaking sign.

I will prepare my heart, I have 40 days remaining.

Posted in Meditation

My Meditation Journey Part 4: The Price of Kundalini Awakening

Posted on by Donny Finnick

“You must pay for everything in this world one way or another. There is nothing free except the grace of God. You cannot earn that or deserve it.” –Charles Portis–

Well, I hate introductions or prefaces, so here we go.

1. I need some validations, whether or not my experience is really an awakening.

But there is no validation, when I search other people’s experience regarding this awakening, the resemblance is minimal, they have very little things in common, I also joined Awakened Kundalini group (awakened, not awakening or wanna be) and realized that everyone has different experiences. So that, it is hard for me to found out if what I got was a real thing or just make belief.

Kundalini awakening is unique for everyone, this is a frustrating but also liberating fact.

2. It’s damn hot!

It is rather hard to explain the hotness, it is different, massive and sometimes painful, and they are coming every now and then to the point that I do not know the reason behind it, i think it just happened with no apparent reason.

It is not just a silly vibration that I usually got during meditation, it is real high temperature and I cannot get rid of it. some people even reported severe illnesses.

3. It turned your entire world in a chaos, literally.

Since the Kundalini is balancing everything, all of my repressed emotions were revealed, which were emotionally exhausting and mentally challenging, all of my resentment towards my stepmother, my jealousy to my high school friends, and any other negative feelings I tried so hard to conceal, I tried to meditate but had no avail. I just had to experience them one more time, feel the pain and let them go. It was not easy.

My spirituality goes like a roller coaster during my awakening, sometimes my psychic abilities are sharp, other time i felt like i lost all of my abilities, sometimes meditation feels boring.

4. Self doubt

Okay, now I am awakened already, yeaaay!!!

Now what?
is that it? that’s all? may be i am not awakened, maybe still awakening?

can I manifest what I really want?

wait, I can manifest my desires with or without Kundalini, remember The Secret?

I can develop my abilities without Kundalini

I can be anything without the help of this silly heat inside my spine.

does it really worth the risk?

what am I doing?

do I really know what am I doing?

now the excitement is over, should I start all over again?

what is the purpose of Kundalini after all?

what do I want it to do with my life?